Kicking the Co-dependence Habit

Marriage should never mean becoming two halves of a whole. Being a healthy couple requires two fully developed individuals to unite to complement each other, not complete each other.

It is the distinction between the inter-dependence of working together smoothly as a team and co-dependence, where you are psychologically crippled.

In inter-dependence, you rely on each other for support in everyday life but not to fill in missing parts of your character. It is never too late to discover the difference and correct an imbalance.

Andrew and I have been a couple since our early 20s when we were barely formed as independent adults. When the baby arrived we fell into traditional roles. I played the Earth Mother at home on a little farm we were house-sitting while Andrew got stuck into his first teaching job. The whole time I was pegging out nappies on the line while carrying my baby in a sling, I was straining inside to return to the newspaper office as a cadet reporter, where I had just began my career as an intrepid Lois Lane.

It was the classic inner conflict of the ambitious young woman in her 20s, wanting maternal and relationship fulfillment while also longing to forge a professional identity and make her mark on the world. I was a self-styled feminist, always banging on about my need for independence but not realising I was merely expressing the forces of a developmental stage; I was trying to grow up.

And here we are in our early 50s, three decades later, and we are still struggling to grow up! Not just because we are eternally infantile Baby Boomers but maybe because habits get fixed in a long-term marriage and require awareness and deliberate effort to change.

Yes I certainly did return to my interrupted career when my toddler was happily launched into pre-school and I did go all-out to become a responsible adult and was promoted to Women’s Editor at the tender age of 29. Well it seems tender now, looking back!

We both worked hard through our 30s. We moved interstate, from one end of Australia to the other, had another baby, got top jobs and both earned good money while juggling the demands of parenthood, as you do in your turbulent 30s. You think the stresses will never ease off and while striving and struggling like you’re climbing a mountain, you yearn to reach a plateau to draw breath.

When the plateau came in my 40s, with our son having left home for Uni and our high achiever daughter still excelling her way through high school, I decided dramatically to opt out of the proverbial rat race and throw myself into studying psychology; seeking answers about human nature and the meaning of life. Little did I realise that by giving up a full-time income, I was not only losing social status but tipping the precarious balance of power in my marriage.

For an entire decade, Andrew became the main provider, with me scraping up a minor income as a counsellor and freelancer and no matter the depth of knowledge I gained in all my intensive studies, I was still playing second fiddle in the financial arena.

I made my contribution by making savvy decisions about investing in property and project managing the building of two houses but somehow the bigger picture didn’t rate against making a reliable weekly income. Meantime Andrew grew more and more stressed under the weight of the lop-sided financial burden.

‘Co-dependency’ is a system operating between two people whom have a dynamic of ‘co-dependence’ where one person is dependent and the other person enables the dependency by taking excessive responsibility and playing the role of the ‘co-dependent’. However, I discovered when I teased it all out, that it is possible for one partner to be dependent in certain areas while the other partner is dependent in other areas.

To my shock, I had become dependent on my husband in three keys areas; finances, technology and transport. Not only did I rely on him to bring home the bacon, I had appointed him my personal IT guy and screamed loudly for help every time I had a computer problem and I relied on him, with my defective sense of direction and tendency to day dream while driving on motorways, to chauffeur me around.

In exchange I had become solely responsible for the three survival needs of food, shelter and clothing. I did all the grocery shopping and all the cooking, despite my pleas for him to muster some culinary interest and whenever we entertained, I morphed into the unpaid caterer and waiter. To my disappointment and frustration, having friends over for dinner or a barbie was no longer an enjoyable double act as attentive host and charming hostess.

I took on the role of Homemaker Extraordinaire, in charge of furnishings and décor and most of the housework (Credit where it’s due, Andrew is a whiz with the floors and embraces ironing his own shirts as a form of meditation!)

And finally, with Andrew’s aversion to shopping and minimalist approach to garments, I have even ended up shopping for his clothes! How embarrassing!

Okay, so you spotted the typical gender division of labour. Did you also spot the unhealthy parent-child roles? Yikes! Yes I felt like mummy in all of this feeding, tending to the home and dressing him.

Yes, sadly for romance, co-dependence is not sexy. (Although I must clarify, we have always been fully adult and hot to trot in the bedroom!)

Co-dependence in marriage is in fact a continuation of the dynamic between the parent and child who has not properly experienced the ‘Separation’ or ‘Individuation’ stage of development, when the young adult breaks free from the parental hook-up and forms healthy boundaries. This is especially true in the case of teenage sons growing up with single mums.

Another symptom of co-dependence, is ‘enmeshment’ where one partner has such porous boundaries they absorb their partner’s emotions and moods and take her/him personally instead of seeing their partner as an imperfect individual.

The enmeshed partner even takes on the other’s opinions and mannerisms and doesn’t experience him or herself as a clearly-defined individual asserting their own views, feelings, needs and wants. The submissive, non-assertive partner often feels controlled, dominated and downtrodden but fails to take responsibility for speaking up.

So now I am in midlife and asking why has it taken so long to figure this out? It seems that growing up is a lifetime process. I am seeking empowerment in money-making, handling computer problems and finding my way around.

I want to become a whole person, a complete woman, responsible for every facet of life. Andrew is going back to basics to master food, shelter and clothing and together, as capable individuals, we will make of strong, equal partnership. That’s the plan. Very sexy.

Finding the Middle Ground

We have been together 30 years but only recently I have noticed a fundamental difference between us. My husband likes to write really tiny in pencil. I write big and bold in thick pen. I scoop dollops of luscious raspberry jam onto my toast. He scrapes on a smidgeon so you can barely taste it. He can become absorbed in a jigsaw puzzle for hours. I consider puzzles and games a waste of my precious time. He can immerse himself in minutiae, the fine details of life, poring over receipts and counting pence with intense earnestness. I am a Big Picture gal; gravitating to the broad sweep of grandiose visions, always dreaming and scheming about future adventures.

I am a yeller and screamer. I express my feelings loudly with drama and eloquence (I like to think my diatribes are eloquent!) When I crack, I will stomp through the house, ranting and raving with a strong urge to kick walls, throw things and pound pillows. When not mad, I am at times sad. Not only do I cry big blobs of tears at other people’s tragedies, I can weep and wail and moan and sob when really miserable and grief-stricken. This is good for the soul. My husband, in contrast, tends to repress and bottle up his emotions. Long-gone traumas lie dormant in the recesses of his mind, rendering him frozen in shock with a stockpile of unresolved inner pain. Any psychologist worth their salt, will tell you, this is damaging to the soul.

My husband is conflict-avoidant whereas I am always spoiling for a fight. You might say I lean towards the aggressive, while Andrew leans towards the passive. Andrew can’t stand arguing and becomes defensive and reactive instead of fired up by the prospect of a hearty stoush. This is very annoying! Whereas me, I relish the parry and thrust of a fiery debate. I am confrontational; which I like to call, euphemistically, ‘honest’. I say what I think. I can be blunt as a meat axe.

When it comes to decision-making, I am the dominant one. He would hate to be described as ‘submissive’ but this is the technical term, also called non-assertive. So throughout our marriage I have made demands and forcibly insisted on my own way and Andrew has given in, to keep the peace. I am not boasting. It is not nice to be on the receiving end of a controlling bully. (I am sorry to admit I learnt this from my Dad.)
The tendency to embrace one or the other of the two extremes is expressed in personality traits.

The delicate Pencil Person has immense patience with fiddly things. They can do stuff like crafts and fine drawings and they have the ability to learn complex skills like how to hold a tennis racquet correctly and gracefully place a serve in a precise spot or how to play a musical instrument with dexterity and finesse. They have the disciple to practise every day for years. Me, the Bold Scribbler, I have little patience and I’m easily frustrated. I get bored with repetition. I couldn’t possibly do the same thing over and over, like play scales every day, ever if the worthy reward is to master the piano. I’d love to tickle the ivories, but really, it’s just too hard! What am I good at then, besides arguing? Good question. I’ll get back to you on that one!

And so we have the extremes. The shy introvert/the flamboyant extrovert; the careful and cautious/the adventurous and reckless; the frugal and parsimonious/the generous and excessive; the person who is fearful of change and prefers the security of familiar surroundings and predictable routine/the person who thrives on new experiences, variety and spontaneity.

How do you explain all this? These extremes have a biological basis in the flight and fight mechanism in our brains. When we perceive a threat, humans, like animals, react with the instinct to either flee that crazy scene or stay and brawl. The Automatic Defence System (ADS) activates the adrenal glands in the kidneys to secrete adrenaline and noradrenaline to give us the prowess to run like the wind or fight like a demon.

The choice to flee or fight evokes different emotions; fear or anger. These become our core underlying emotions. Anxiety and fear drive nervous types while frustration and anger drive fiery types like me.

We get wired up with a tendency to one or the other. It starts when we are young when faced with threats: hearing mum and dad argue, being berated or hit by an angry parent, being bullied at school, being the victim of some form of neglect or abuse. We adopt coping strategies as children. These coping strategies and defenses are about survival and are essentially selfish; designed as self-protective tactics or a means to get our needs met.

Then we grow up and it’s not appropriate to be purely selfish. We have to learn to be considerate and care for others. But the well-worn coping strategies kick in. As adults entering a relationship, each partner assumes their position at the start and a booming voice only they can hear issues the command ‘Let The Games Begin!’

You might have two anxious, passive, non-assertive types huddled in one corner who both avoid expressing their emotions and confronting problems, and as a result, both avoid intimacy. Or you have two hot-headed, volatile, abusive partners who slug it out, verbally or even physically, like Liz and Richard in the classic play, Who’s Afraid of What’s Her Name.
More often, you end up with polar opposites, one at each end of the spectrum; the passive, submissive partner and the aggressive, dominant partner. In the beginning, the dominant one will test their partner to see what they can get away with. Secretly bossy types want and need boundaries. When your partner doesn’t set boundaries, your pushiness and selfishness becomes a habit and a pattern.

What to do! What to do! Usually the dynamic goes on for some time and each partner becomes rather comfortable with their role until the arrangement runs into trouble. The submissive person, with the pay-off of being able to blame their partner for all mistakes, starts to feel simmering resentment at constantly being told what to do. The dominant partner grows weary of making all the decisions, like a benevolent dictator, and fed up with being responsible for steering the Relation Ship (sorry, corny pun!) solo.

The goal of any mature relationship should be for both partners to give up their extreme positions and shift to the middle ground. As rational humans, not animals, with our bulging neo-cortexes and free will, we don’t have to be run by our instincts. Intelligence can override our automatic reactions.

With enough determination and practice, it is possible to learn the skills of negotiation and shared decision-making. The anxiety-prone, submissive partner has to muster the courage to become assertive and the easily-angered, aggressive partner has to learn to tone it down and dial it back to find the middle ground of healthy assertiveness without resorting to bullying.

Psychologist Steven Stosny identifies three modes of underlying motivation: avoid, attack or approach. The real challenge in our relationships is to move out of avoid or attack modes into the peaceful space of the approach mode. This is easier said that done; after a lifetime of hard wiring. That’s why Dr Stosny’s Bootcamp re-trains couples in the gentle art of being undefended and approachable and how to develop empathy and compassion for each other.

I yearn for the gentle sanctuary of the middle ground. Developing mutual compassion is the only hope for overcoming our animal instincts and allowing us to become fully human.

Why Would A Sporting Hero Sabotage His Marriage?

WHY would a sporting hero, a man blessed with spectacular success, wealth and fame, the adulation of millions of fans, sporting brilliance, a beautiful, loving wife and three gorgeous children, risk all this for sordid sexual encounters? Why would he bother with something as inane as sex text messages?

One theory about infidelity claims that the husband, or wife, is not getting all their emotional needs met by their partner and seeks to get them met outside the marriage in an affair. This is the motivation for many affairs; however there is another reason, which explains bizarre, destructive sexual behaviour.

It might simply be that a man is childishly self-centred and believes he can have whatever he fancies, oblivious to consequences. However sometimes past sexual abuse in childhood is the underlying cause of sexual misconduct as an adult.

Someone who has suffered sexual abuse in childhood or adolescence can have a deep-seated, unconscious compulsion to sabotage and shame himself or herself. Having been sexually violated at a crucial development stage, the person carries buried shame and “acts-out” this shame in grimy sexual encounters, which have nothing to do with love, and everything to do with re-enacting the abusive scenario.

The shaming is accompanied by a compulsion to sabotage their life, driven by a faulty core belief such as “I don’t deserve love, happiness and success” and a desire to punish themselves for their ‘badness’.

The acting-out adult might experience a “transference” on the sex partner, who represents the abuser. They might even repeat a ritual of what was done to them as a child.

In other cases, the adult who was neglected as a child might experience an infatuation with an ideal mother figure or father figure, who represents all the affection and attention they didn’t get growing up. The idealised figure is fantasised as a “rescuer”, who will meet all their needs and transform their life.

Someone who is sexually abused as a child often grows up to believe that the only way they can get affection and attention is sexually. They sexualise most relationships and have poor boundaries.

Another psychological driving force for promiscuity can be that the victim of abuse becomes the perpetrator, acting out retaliation against men or women for their past suffering.

Most of these motives are unconscious, as the acting-out adult goes into a kind of “trance”, where all rationality is lost, without any concern for the consequences and harm being done to those they love.

Given the statistics that as many as one in four girls and one in six boys experience sexual abuse, there are millions of adults who might have “a secret second life” of acting out their sexual shame. They often get away with it for a while, by deception and cover-up or confess to a forgiving spouse, however the crunch usually comes when their destructive behaviour becomes intolerable.

Casual sex is promoted in our culture through music, movies and the mass media and made widely available through cyber sex, pornography and sex services, making it easy for vulnerable people to stray.

Our popular culture lacks fundamental values and morals about sexuality and the media presents hypocritical, double standards when it acts shocked and outraged by the sexual misconduct of our heroes.

Not all victims of sexual abuse become promiscuous. Many go the opposite way, suffering a deep-seated fear and aversion to healthy, normal sexual intimacy with their spouse.

But sexual abuse is just one kind of abuse. I believe that no one grows up in a 100 per cent healthy, functional family. No parents are perfect in every way. All families are unhealthy and dysfunctional in varying degrees, in different ways.

Most adults can look back on their childhoods and realise they experienced some kind of “abuse” in the broad sense of the word. Abuse includes the categories of physical, emotional, sexual and neglect, where basic needs are not met.

We can all act out unresolved childhood issues in adult life, using the faulty beliefs and coping strategies devised by immature minds. No one can be smugly judgemental about the bad behaviour of others. Who can cast the first stone?

Sporting heroes, like many thousands of others, need professional intervention to help unravel the underlying causes of sabotaging behaviour and start on the inner journey of healing and change, which takes much courage.

A life crisis can be either a catalyst for honest self-appraisal and growth or a downward spiral into further destructive acting out. I hope that the person who goes off the rails seizes the opportunity for growth. They would have to make a genuine commitment to never ever hurt their partner and family again.

I feel empathy for the pain the betrayed partner endures when they discover their husband or wife is acting out. The trauma can be their opportunity for growth by embracing forgiveness and compassion and staying together through the healing journey.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban Face The Reality of Marriage

Gorgeous Aussie super star, Nicole Kidman fulfilled her dreams of a fairytale wedding and is besotted with spunky new husband, Keith Urban. All Australians took delight in their love story and wished them lifelong happiness on their Big Day in Sydney in June 2006.

But the question back then was: What will happen when the euphoria of the wedding and romantic honeymoon is over and the newlyweds face a barrage of real-life challenges?

The first challenge was initiating Keith into the role of step dad to her two children, Isabella and Connor, then aged 13 and 11.

The idolised country singer was 38 when he finally got hitched and previously had little to do with children and instant fatherhood came as a shock.

When the couple had baby Sunday Rose in July 2008, their parenting challenges were compounded. Adjusting to the demands of a baby as well as older children could easily have sent the freewheeling star into a tailspin.

However it seemed the former wild lad was committed to changing his habits and had checked himself into the Betty Ford Centre in California in October 2006, just months after his marriage, and in January 2007 publicly declared that he had completed rehabilitation.

It must have been tough for the newlyweds to confront the demon of his drug addiction and clearly it was his priority to get clean before he embarked on the responsibility of fathering a baby.

Just as other famous dads such as Brad Pitt are revelling in fatherhood, the country crooner’s heart has been melted by the irresistible charms of a newborn. He has defied the cynics and shown he was ready to settle down into family life. However no doubt it has been a steep learning curve.

A radiant Nicole Kidman, now 42, is clearly devoted to her baby daughter, who’s just turned one. After a spectacular movie career, the acclaimed actor is enjoying her happiest role and making fellow Australians proud.

The couple continue to face the delicate business of dealing with her ex, the legendary Tom Cruise and his partner, Katie Holmes in juggling access visits of the two teenagers. As all divorced parents know, this requires flexibility and the ability to negotiate. It can take years to learn these skills.

Like all of us, the couple lugged their emotional baggage into their marriage. Nicole has some deep emotional wounds from her painful divorce and, depending on how much healing she did in the years between, she brought a high degree of vulnerability into her second marriage. Keith is no doubt required to offer lashings of understanding, consolation and reassurance.

Nicole was also insecure about his past sexual experiences as much as he was rattled by her former love life with Tom. In the three years since their wedding, they needed to cut all psychological ties with past partners and not succumb to curiosity or comparisons. Instead they needed to focus totally on each other while they strengthen their sacred bond of intimacy.

Perhaps the most serious challenge the couple will continue to face is Keith’s past drug addiction to cocaine and alcohol. As addicts know, it is never really past. Staying clean and sober is a daily battle. Does Keith possess the motivation and support to kick his destructive habits? If not, the sweet and fragile Nic is in for a rocky ride.

When cravings take over, addicts are self-centred and obsessive. The desire for the drug obliterates all other priorities, even devotion to a new wife and baby.

Former girlfriend, Laura Sigler has told media that Urban has an addict’s personality; an insatiable desire for the next high. With intoxication comes other irresponsible action. She claims he was unfaithful several times during their eight-year relationship.

This will be Nicole’s nerve racking challenge; having a monogamous marriage with the scruffy Bad Boy of country music.

By all accounts, while growing up, she was role-modelled a functional, faithful marriage by her parents Antony and Janelle.

Nicole has often expressed her strong moral values and would be devastated by adultery. Sadly, she is on shaky ground here. However Keith appears to be genuine in his commitment to reform.

Next challenge. Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman are bankable business brands under immense pressure to maintain their status through public visibility. For her, it means churning out movies and for him, it means a punishing touring schedule of concerts and festivals across the States and turning out quality albums and hit singles. The award-winning singer-songwriter has produced several solo albums, which have sold more than five million copies.

How will they juggle their demanding schedules and egos? Will they graciously play the support role when the other one is in the spotlight, the way Keith did at the 2006 Shanghai Film Festival (when Nicole was feted as a mega star and the locals didn’t know him from a Four X stubby!)

Nicole would be smart to keep close to her volatile man by emulating fellow Hollywood star, Gwyneth Paltrow, wife of Coldplay rocker, Chris Martin, who is happy to put aside her ego and follow the band with her two children in tow.

Girlfriend, Renee Zellweger has warned Nicole about the strain of touring commitments, after her marriage to country singer Kenny Chesney crashed and burned after just four months.

Lastly, what about the compatibility of these two Aussie icons? Granted they share the common ground of growing up in Australia however Nicole’s upbringing was prim and proper while Keith was a cheeky kid who dragged his guitar around the humble township of Caboolture, with a burning ambition in his young heart to move to Nashville and become a country star. It is a dream he has fulfilled since lobbing in the States at 25 and getting his breaks with country greats such as the Dixie Chicks and Garth Brooks.

It is a dream he is not about to give up, even for the most beautiful, successful, famous and wealthy actress the Land Down Under has ever produced.

And what about Nicole? Like many actors, when she is not playing a role, our Nic is not sure who she is. She is frail and insecure under the façade and maybe Keith, a headstrong larrikin, battling his own demons, will be the ultimate challenge. But, like all Australians, I hope that their powerful love will conquer all.

Celebrity Splits -The Aniston-Pitt-Jolie Triangle: How NOT to Marry, Divorce and Have Children

Now that Angelina Jolie has bagged her man in the old-fashioned way, the cosy Jolie-Pitt relationship is a done deal and fait accompli.

Meanwhile ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston is still reeling five years later from the rapid developments since their separation in January 2005 and is left to console herself with a series of unsuccessful relationships, while nursing her longing for motherhood.

Aniston and Pitt had attempted reconciliation in March 2005 but filed for divorce that same month. It was rumoured that Jolie was involved with Pitt during their attempt to save their marriage. The divorce was finalised just six months later.

The Aniston-Pitt fairytale wedding in July 2000 was a $1 million extravaganza with 200 guests, 50,000 flowers, a gospel choir, four bands, spectacular fireworks and a lobster and champagne feast.

It is a tragedy that, for all their wealth and fame, celebrity couples don’t get professional help for their marriage problems. The starry-eyed couple could have avoided the agonising ritual of divorce by consulting the best marital therapists in the States. They could have even consulted megastar television psychologist, Dr Phil.

Instead they suffered public heartbreak and role modelled distorted values and dysfunctional behaviour to the whole world. Although fabulously rich, famous, successful and photogenic, these idolised people are, in reality, still fragile human beings.

Aniston’s parents had a stormy marriage that ended in divorce and she is quoted as saying that during her marriage she often felt “fear, mistrust, doubt and insecurities” and that “when your parents split up, it’s impossible to delude yourself about fairytale romance and happy endings.”

Without psychological help, she was doomed to repeat her parents’ marriage failure. No amount of wealth and adulation will protect celebrities from their own vulnerability and the suffering involved in a bitter break-up.

For all of us, famous or ordinary, breaking up a marriage or long-term committed relationship, where the emotional bond is deep, is nothing short of a tragedy. It is not a flippant decision, as our contemporary culture tends to suggest.

In chucking in their marriage so soon, Brad and Jennifer demonstrated to the public, especially impressionable young people, that marriage is disposable and if it’s not peachy you can bust up and instantly find a replacement.

Instead of working to reconcile, Brad Pitt got entangled with Angelina Jolie. His motives, I suspect, were multi-faceted. Suffering shock, rejection and anger over conflict in his marriage, he was vulnerable to the offer of comfort and escapism with another woman. He was boosting his battered male ego, and also lashing out at his wife, in his pain and confusion. Add to the mix, lax morals and he was unable to resist temptation on the film set from a manipulative seductress with her own agenda to trap this desirable prize.

Jolie is an aggressive woman who goes hard after what she wants and she won the cat fight for Hollywood’s most desirable leading man. And now the glossies are glorifying her as the doting mother, despite her role in destroying a marriage.

Brad Pitt, although ecstatic at becoming a father, was the victim of entrapment, the oldest female trick in the book. At a time of emotional turmoil, he blundered into parenthood, the most important decision in life.

While the talented actor is swept up in his role as Dad to an ever expanding brood, six at last count, he continues to be racked with guilt over the pain he inflicted on his ex-wife and admits to being burdened by a ton of emotional baggage.

Aniston’s story of humiliation was quickly relegated to old news as she tried to salvage her self-esteem with a fling with actor Vince Vaughn, her co-star in the movie, The Break-Up and previously Pitt’s best mate! That relationship is now history and she has since dated a series of celebs, including the much younger singer, John Mayer.

Rebound relationships are usually driven by retaliation and a desperate grasping at comfort to ease the pain of rejection and loss. It is far healthier to allow time to grieve. Starting a new relationship immediately on top of the suffering of a break-up is not an ideal foundation.

For relationships with traumatic beginnings, the future will always be uncertain. Statistics show that relationships born out of affairs or on the rebound often fail.

All of this dysfunctional behaviour only deepens the emotional damage and unresolved issues between the original couple. We saw two people, Pitt and Aniston, acting out their pain instead of dealing with it.

Angelina Jolie, revered for her adoption of orphans, has built her new family on a foundation of opportunism by jumping into another couple’s marriage crisis and swooping up the vulnerable Brad Pitt. All is forgiven and forgotten by the media and public eager to move on and devour the next tasty morsel of ‘news’ served up by that mesmerising enmeshed couple, ‘Brangelina’.

From all reports, Jolie is the dominant partner who wears the pants, a gross disappointment to the legions of female fans who swoon over Pitt as the ultimate rugged macho man. It seems he’s just your regular hen-pecked guy who lives in fear of being berated by the missus.

Working in the movie industry is dangerous to marriage. It requires an actor to live away from their partner while filming for long stretches of time. It throws them into romantic and sexy scenes with other attractive actors. Movie stars and other performers tend to fall in love with their own image and narcissism makes it difficult to consider someone else, especially when the partner left at home. That’s why Gwyneth Paltrow is wise to accompany her husband, singer Chris Martin on tour with his rock band, Coldplay.

But sadly, the much-publicised marriage failures of celebrities infect our culture with skewed values, which goes unchallenged in the media.

So here I go with some old-fashioned, counter-culture Dr Phil-style advice. It is wrong to leave your marriage for no good reason, just because it gets too hard, you get hurt or you wish to pursue your selfish interests. Couples experiencing conflict or frustrated that their needs are not being met within the marriage should make every effort to get help.

Ideally, divorce is only acceptable for serious reasons, in cases of abuse, where after the intervention of good professional help, the offending partner refuses to change.

If a couple decides to separate, the ethical track is to allow ample time for reconciliation, up to two years. It is wrong to get involved sexually with someone else while in a state of separation (and use a third person for comfort or retaliation).

If reconciliation fails and they divorce, then both partners and children need to achieve emotional closure before divorcees become involved with new partners.

The correct way to start a new relationship after divorce is the cautious, respectful, old-fashioned way. Start dating and get to know each other, and if you like each other’s character (not just physical appearance), enter into courtship and only become intimate once you are in a committed relationship, ideally married.

This responsible, ethical course of action protects everyone from exacerbating the pain of divorce.

Meantime, the rest of us should refuse to follow the bad example set by movie stars and other celebrities. In matters of marriage, they are usually not reliable role models.

The Right Way To Break Up

Don’t get involved with someone who is separated. Make sure they are divorced. This is a controversial view in the ‘All is Fair in Love and War’ mature-aged dating game.
However when you pounce on an ‘ex’ who is still reeling from a fresh break-up, you are asking for trouble. Staying clear until a marriage is legally done and dusted, is the only way to avoid heartache all round.
As for the separated partner, give yourself time to consider reconciling or, if there’s no hope, work through your grief and reach emotional closure before getting involved in a new relationship.

In these times of disposable relationships, there is a common belief that the minute you break up you are instantly free to start another intimate relationship. It is a shallow code of conduct exploited by predatory opportunists who pounce on the fragile casualty still reeling from a fresh separation.

What is the right way to break-up? How long should you wait before getting involved with someone else? What are the issues and consequences to consider?

OBJECTIVE FACTS

The objective facts are your partner has left you, she is gone, you’re on your own and you’re free to do what you like. You’ve probably been fighting and miserable for months leading up to the bust-up and she assailed you with a barrage of cruel insults. She screamed that she was leaving in a fit of despair over seemingly unsolvable problems. She flounces off, spitting the word ‘separation’ and callously started calculating the assets. So doesn’t this mean it’s over and final?
Well that might be the surface layer of your predicament but there are three other deeper layers to explore.

EMOTIONAL CLOSURE

If you have been married or in a committed relationship for a long time the emotional bond or attachment between you runs deep. Even if you’ve been in conflict, you are still deeply attached and most likely still love each other. It can take years to break the bond and become detached and reach a state of indifference towards your ex-partner.

There are six stages you need to go through to heal from a break-up: Shock, Hope, Anger, Despair, Indifference and finally Growth. It is a long and harrowing journey, as any divorcee will tell you.

If your partner does not take time to process the loss but jumps into an intimate involvement with someone else straight away, you will be shocked to discover that the emotional pain is excruciating, traumatic and heart-breaking; every bit as devastating as an affair. While you are still emotionally bonded, the heart and mind perceives the new involvement as a betrayal and violation, no matter what the objective facts and your official status of ‘separated’.

Breaking up a marriage is no trivial event. It is a shattering loss and tragedy for the couple and children, not matter what their age; youngsters, teenagers or grown-up. If you are to separate, it is wise and responsible to experience your grief, which includes a gamut of emotions such as anger, guilt and sorrow before ‘moving on’. You have to rant and rave and let the tears flow and do some serious soul-searching and explore faults in yourself and the marriage that led to the break-up. To feel your buried pain leads to an experience of empathy for those you’ve hurt, which brings on remorse and a cry for forgiveness and commitment to reform. This is how people heal and grow. This process takes at least two years and requires the help of a support group and a trustworthy counsellor.

Some couples separate and become ‘estranged’. They go their own ways, move away and lose track of each other. They sever the emotional ties and even though they haven’t gone through the formality of legal divorce, they are emotionally divorced and will be unaffected by their ex-partner’s new involvement. But for most couples, the contact with each other continues on a daily basis because of their ties through their children; making it is so much harder to reach emotional closure.

It seems obvious to anyone who understands the impact of loss and grief that breaking up a marriage and family is a horrendous wrench. So why would anyone choose to get involved with someone else immediately they separate?

It is called ‘acting out’. Rather than having the courage to feel the emotional pain, many people repress, deny or avoid the explosion of overwhelming feelings inside by taking action. It is a coping strategy but one that is destined to lead to more damage.

What is going on when someone acts out? If you are the one who has been left, you suffer the agonising injury of rejection and abandonment, like a stab to the heart that is intensified by evoking memories of childhood rejection. The pain can be almost unbearable. The first reaction is shock, which makes you unable to think clearly. The rejected partner will latch onto someone who ‘wants’ them seeking comfort from the blow of being unwanted by their partner.

The rejected partner is also seething with rage and an impulse to retaliate and hit back after being hurt and humiliated. He wants to prove he won’t be controlled by his absent wife and becomes like a defiant, rebellious adolescent, hell bent on revenge. The victim becomes the perpetrator.

His emotional needs are raw. He rushes to find a substitute for sex and his male need for admiration. He wants to be reassured that he’s still attractive and is susceptible to flattery; a sitting duck for a manipulative female who plays to his weakness. He wants to be wanted and, if he is co-dependent and lost without his wife, he needs female direction. Without a strong moral code, he will succumb to any offer when another woman’s availability collides with his vulnerability.

One confused husband explained: “My wife didn’t want me. She took off. She’d been putting me down and criticising me for a long time. I suppose I was flattered that a woman found me attractive.”

When someone experiences a trauma, they can become psychologically unhealthy and regress into being self-centred, childish, driven by needs and repressed pain and capable of harming others. They lack empathy and compassion for people they hurt, see others as objects to meet their needs, cannot see another person’s agenda and they are incapable of considering consequences. People in the grip of acting out in a rebound relationship are usually in this low-level state.

As in an affair, this type of infatuation is not real love. The attraction is temporary and based on the fantasy that you have found an ‘ideal partner’ who can meet all the needs that your ex-partner failed to meet. But it is fake and deluded as each person stages a brilliant performance turning on their romantic charms. The attraction is not based on knowing a complete person with all their faults. Middle-aged ‘singles’ are desperate to impress for the narcissistic satisfaction of a conquest that proves they can still attract someone. Demonising both ex-partners heightens the appeal of the new lover. They sympathise with each other, bask in bitterness and blame of their ex-partners and enable each other in denial of their own flaws that contributed to their marriage failure.

‘Sexual passion’ is also temporary and phoney based on the thrill of illicit sex, the novelty of someone different and desperately trying to prove your prowess. The fantasy image of your new catch and an inner cauldron of rage, anxiety and shame fuel the intensity.

Once the sexual involvement has started it is difficult for the entrapped man to extricate himself. He is driven by a belief he won’t get back with his wife and will never have to report his guilty secrets. He is out to prove that his ex-wife or the concerns of his children, family and friends won’t control him. He becomes hooked on the sordid rendezvous’ and takes the free sex while he can get it, without considering the future. And he will be increasingly pressured by the Other Woman to continue the relationship and make a commitment. She has entered a vicious contest with the ex-wife and is out to win.

The wife doing the leaving is also in an unreal state, hyped on self-righteous anger and psychologically unstable. She is likely to act out rather than process her loss and face the magnitude of her actions. She will be driven to hit back at her husband for all the wrong he did her and at the same time desperate to find someone new. If she acts out sexually she will make reconciliation extremely difficult.

Why would a woman get involved with a husband who has just separated? A woman who gets involved with a man fresh from a marriage break-up is exploiting and taking advantage of the couple’s crisis and his vulnerability.

Often the divorcee in her forties is panicking about her age and fading looks and in a frantic rush to trap a new partner for herself and new Dad for her kids. In the highly competitive second-time-round singles’ market, she is willing to try all the tricks in the female handbook of male manipulation. Driven by desperation, she is likely to resort to using sex to get leverage over a new man. If he is just separated she will ruthlessly exploit the opportunity.

I know of one woman who was so calculating she make reconnaissance visits to the couple, who were good friends, knowing they were having problems and even set up meetings with the husband on the pretext of business. She waited until the couple split, then within two weeks of the wife leaving, invited the husband for dinner and laid her trap. She swooped like a vulture and yet she defended her actions claiming he was free and available.

The predatory woman jumps into sex immediately believing she will obligate the shell-shocked guy into a committed relationship. She also schemes that her intrusion will hurt and outrage the ex-wife and ensure she doesn’t take her husband back. It’s her attempt to put a final nail in the coffin of their marriage. However often this strategy backfires because the wife experiences a painful wake-up call and realises how much she loves and wants her husband and his fling becomes a catalyst for their reconciliation.

RECONCILIATION

The second layer to consider is allowing time for the possibility of getting back together. Because divorce is such a tragedy, if you are caught up in the turmoil of separation, allow time to work through the tangle of emotions, get help and do some soul-searching and growing. Give yourself time to miss each other and realise what you’re at risk of losing.

Why would one partner leave? It is common for someone to hit a point of their psychological development when they assert their independence and freedom. This is called the ‘separation’ stage or individuation stage of development, which first happens when the toddler ventures out from the safety of mum to explore the big, wide world. It happens again when the teenager separates from mother to form his or her own identity as a young adult.

If this ‘separation stage’ does not happen, an adult can stay in a state of enmeshment with their mother and project this dependency onto their partner. If an adult has never properly developed as an individual, there’s a strong impulse to break free. This can hit in your 30s or 40s and your unsuspecting partner can be on the receiving end of your delayed attempt to grow up and psychologically leave your mother! It is common for men to feel smothered and controlled by their wives when they haven’t fully psychologically separated from Mother. And sadly, they think that leaving their wife is the answer when really they need to do some psychological work in maturing.

Sometimes the wife or husband is acting out being a five-year-old throwing a tantrum, packing their suitcase and running away from home to get mum and dad’s attention! Or they are an over-grown adolescent in a middle-aged body leaving home for the first time. Sad but true.

A marriage bust-up can also signal another type of psychological baggage. You can be struck with the compulsion to repeat parental patterns. When your child reaches the same age you were when your parents split up, a husband or wife will often follow the template laid down in the recesses of their brain and set about leaving their own marriage. Only by becoming aware of these unconscious issues and processing the repressed pain, will you avoid repeating your parents’ destructive patterns.

Separation can represent the culmination of underlying problems in a marriage. The impasse over an on-going conflict: over where to live, career moves, one partners’ upsetting or abusive behaviour and refusal to change, parenting styles, sexual problems or financial worries. The specific issue is usually symptomatic of an inability to solve problems and reach decisions together; an inequality in the power dynamic with one partner dominant and the other submissive. It might be a passive husband who can not assert himself and show leadership or a passive wife who is unable to set boundaries with a domineering mate.

Another chronic problem is a fabric of dishonesty, secrecy and leading disconnected lives without openness, transparency and trust. When two people drift apart and do not air their complaints, they can turn to outsiders and start plotting escapism, instead of dealing with problems.

One partner can leave as a result of festering old wounds, past disappointments or past infidelities that have never been treated and healed. Only forgiveness can free you from the chronic ache of old injuries. Letting go of bitterness takes conscious effort. If betrayals are stockpiled over the years they become like toxic waste that eventually erupts.

A failed marriage is always the result of emotional needs going unmet for a long time. Acclaimed marital therapist, Dr Willard Harley outlines 10 core emotional needs of the husband and wife: sexual fulfilment, affection, honesty and openness, conversation, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, admiration, domestic support, financial support and family commitment.

Clearly separation indicates something is wrong with the marriage or with the inner world of one partner or both. Separation does not have to be a disaster. It can be a catalyst and opportunity for healing. Marriages can recover and thrive.

It is important for friends and family to encourage a separated husband and wife to take time to come to their senses and commit to reconciliation and do the necessary work on themselves and their marriage to heal old wounds, learn new skills and fall in love again.

MORALITY AND ETHICS

The Christian view holds that having sex with someone else while married is adultery. There is a reason why adultery is considered a cardinal sin and prohibited in the Old Testament’s Ten Commandments and why Jesus was so strong in condemning adultery. Jesus considered sex within marriage a sacred act and knew that adultery caused immense pain. He warned people against causing each other such heartbreak. Jesus was first and foremost full of compassion for human suffering.

Television psychologist, Dr Phil is also in agreement with this moral stance. He started emphatically when confronting a woman in a relationship with a ‘separated’ husband that a man must be divorced before you enter a relationship. He maintains that it is wrong to become involved with someone who is separated. The marriage must be legally over and the divorce final before someone becomes available.

Such strict morality is not about preventing your fun. It is based on protecting all parties from pain; ex-partners, yourself, the new partner and your children and her children. If you rush in, you might enjoy immediate gratification and sooth your bruised ego but at a huge cost of becoming trapped in a new relationship you didn’t rationally choose. If you dump the rebound woman when the novelty wears off and her flaws inevitably start to show you will suffer lasting guilt and regret. Meantime two sets of children and ex-partners also suffer from the hasty involvement.

Sex is not as flippant as our culture would have us believe. Sex creates a bond of intimacy that once experienced is painful to break. To have a casual fling then discard the Other Woman to return to your wife is deeply damaging for her. It will take a long time for her to recover from being used as a bit player in another couple’s drama.

Why should you protect an ex-partner from pain, if she has king hit you by leaving?
Human nature has a strong urge to retaliate when hurt; to get revenge out of vindictiveness. To retaliate against your wife with sexual betrayal, even stooping to having another woman in your marital bed, amounts to abject cruelty, a shattering sledgehammer blow. I spoke to a wife who described her husband’s act as like having her heart smashed into a thousand pieces. Another wife said: “I know I did the wrong thing by leaving but I wasn’t prepared for his instant involvement. It’s like he took a knife and gutted me. We got back together but it took ages to recover from the sense of violation, the blow to my confidence as a woman, the insecurity. It was hard to believe he could be so cruel to someone he loved.”

It is up to you to be the bigger and better person even when you are treated badly and not simply treat your partner badly back. This is the true measure of character. Not striking back out of animal instincts or giving tit for tat out of childish reactivity is to behave from intelligent adult ethics. Have the courage to experience your pain and take positive steps to reconcile rather than act out.

Behaving with ethics and integrity is to honour and respect your marriage and the years you have shared, in the same way you would honour your wife’s memory if she died. Your partner might be hurting you by leaving but she has also loved you and cared for you, shared your life, dreams and struggles and raised your children and deserves a second chance.

If attempts to reconcile fail and you end up divorcing, the mature and moral man wants to see his ex-wife set up in a practical sense, having sorted out houses, material possessions and finances and he ensures that both of you and the children are secure and stable before starting a new life. This is the decent way to behave.

During separation and after divorce, allow ample time for soul searching, grieving and achieving emotional closure. Remember the process takes at least two years. For some it takes many years. Once you have worked through a healing process, then you are ready to start dating in the old-fashioned way. Go out and meet new people but get to know someone’s character before jumping into bed and committing to a new relationship. Maybe when you’ve done the hard yards, you can find love that is real and honourable with someone else and not based on compounding the trauma of break-up.

Patrick's Story - The Husband Who Hit Back

Patrick’s affair was not so much about an attraction to the other woman, but more about acting out his pain at being rejected and seeking to meet his own needs. He used her and she used him, taking advantage of his confusion, vulnerability and gullibility. After two months, he was keen to drop her and disentangle himself from the mess he’d blundered into.

Patrick and Jane, with two teenage children, had been friends with Dean and Michelle for about 10 years. They had three young children. She was a flight attendant, away a lot and he was left to look after the kids. She was the main provider while he renovated the house. He was restless and wanted to move overseas but she refused to uproot the young family. Dean went overseas despite her opposition to try to find work and had an affair. When he returned and she found out, Michelle demanded a 12-month separation while sharing the same house and they divorced (following the pattern of her own parents). The ink was barely dry on their divorce papers when she began to lay the groundwork with their friend Patrick.

Michelle knew that Patrick and Jane’s marriage was shaky. She had made reconnaissance visits to their home on the pretence of friendship, chatting like close gal pals with Jane around the pool over summer and staying on for lunch; all the time gauging the tension between the couple and appraising Patrick. In retrospect, it was such calculated treachery.

Later that year, Michelle asked if Patrick would be so kind as to give her business advice and they began having secret meetings. He was flattered by the female attention because Jane had been unhappy and complaining for a long time.

Jane wanted to move to the States to further her career but he was freaked out by the risk of such a major upheaval. His business was consolidating and their daughter was mid-way through high school. He thought such a move was unrealistic and reckless but he couldn’t convince her. Patrick couldn’t stand up to his wife in an argument. He felt completely brow beaten and would just give up and shut down (the way he did with his mother as a teenager).

Jane went to the US for a month and while she was away Michelle arranged several meetings with Patrick and flirted and flattered his ego, making it obvious she was attracted to him and available ‘if and when’ his marriage broke up. Jane had no idea that her former friend was ready to pounce the minute she left.

Jane went away again for three months and within two weeks of her leaving, Michelle made her move and invited Patrick to dinner at her house. Like many men, he was completely naïve about how set up he was by the Other Woman and fell straight into her trap.

Michelle was desperate to trap a new partner quickly, being in her 40s with three kids to look after. She believed Patrick was a nice guy and a devoted family man, a really good catch. Ironically, floundering from the divorce, her ex-husband Dean had even encouraged her to pursue Patrick. In some distorted way, he hoped she would enlist Patrick, as a reliable obliging man to help him out as a second dad!

She was ruthlessly strategic. She figured that if she had sex with Patrick she would obligate him into a relationship and also hurt Jane so much to destroy any chance of their reconciling. Embittered by her ex-husband’s unfaithfulness, Michelle did not believe in forgiveness after an affair in her own marriage and so assumed that having an affair with Patrick would be the nail in the coffin of his marriage, clearing the way for a relationship. It was a vicious contest and she was playing to win.

But what was going on for Patrick? Why was he such an easy target?

When Jane left him, it triggered a deep wound of abandonment and rejection that reached back into his childhood. For Patrick, rejection started early. He grew up hearing stories that he was unwanted and how his parents intended to give him to the neighbours when he was born but he was so cute they kept him! Despite being an extremely loveable child, he experienced being pushed away by a cold, distant father who was seldom home and an emotionally unstable mother. At 15, his father made his absence official by divorcing his mother and leaving him, the youngest child, at home alone with a hysterical mum who treated him like a surrogate husband, leaning on him for support.

Patrick recalls feeling ‘helpless and hopeless’ and overwhelmed in dealing with the pressures of his volatile mother and furious that he had been robbed of his teenage years. Using a typical adolescent coping strategy and with no adult support, rather than express his pain, he acted out, escaping the turmoil at home with sly drinking sessions with mates and having sex with the first girl who gave him the come-on.

When his wife left all those years later it opened his wound of childhood rejection and triggered repressed rage at his father for leaving and for all those years of being mistreated by his mum. He chose to act out his anger, as he did as a teenager, rather than feel the underlying grief.

Mixed with his anger was a new sense of self-righteous defiance; a throwback to his adolescent rebellion. He wanted to prove that his wife would no longer control him; that he’d do exactly what he wanted. After all she had done exactly want she wanted by taking off overseas!

He was gripped by an urge to retaliate and hit back for all the hurt he felt, not just in her leaving but for every wrong she had ever done in the last 20 years. Jane had set an example of infidelity early in their marriage and he had never healed from that humiliation and he feared that she would cheat on him while overseas so he might as well get in first. This was pay-back time.

The desire for revenge is such a potent force in men. Jane was extremely jealous and possessive and he knew for him to have a sexual relationship with another woman was her worst fear and would hurt her the most. For such a ‘nice guy’, there was a cruel streak in him he didn’t even know he possessed.

Jane, in a self-destructive mode, had helped to set up her husband before leaving; taunting him about other women, she had even joked to Dean that Patrick and Michelle would make a good pair (in the dysfunctional way they refused to face their faults and issues). She had not objected to their so-called ‘business meetings’ and the warring couple had not discussed an agreement to stay faithful while they were apart.

Patrick was vulnerable on his own. Although successful professionally, he had been dependent on his wife on the domestic front for grocery shopping and cooking meals, running the home and giving him direction socially. Having formed an unhealthy co-dependence with his mother as a teenager, he transferred the dependence to Jane once they married. He was lost without Jane. When Michelle made her move, rather than savour some independence, he was keen to latch onto another woman who could take the lead.

He had also enjoyed an active, satisfying sex life with Jane and Michelle offered to be an instant substitute. He didn’t considered celibacy and self-control as an option and the idea of having sex with someone different was enticing. Sex with Michelle was a novelty, laced with the heightened pleasure of being illicit. Having been rejected as a man, he was out to reclaim his manhood and prove his sexual prowess.

Patrick was a man who craved admiration. Under his confident façade, he suffered poor self-esteem. His self-image had been damaged growing up with a critical, sarcastic father who put him down and a self-centred mother who withheld any praise and encouragement. Michelle’s flattery and infatuation fed his insatiable need for female adoration. And the fact that she ‘wanted’ him provided comfort to his wounded ego and the sting of his wife’s rejection. Sadly for Michelle, he wasn’t particularly attracted to her for herself. It was not a case of falling in love. He used her as an object to meet his own egocentric needs.

He deliberately set about charming Michelle, dusting off and pulling out all his old tricks from his kit bag; wooing her with his guitar playing and singing tender love songs (the way he had wooed his wife years before). He trotted out his endearing humour, listening with understanding as she poured out her heart and gently held her hand while gazing at the stars. It was contrived seduction to prove he was still attractive in his late 40s. But he didn’t consider what he’d do once he succeeded in winning her over. He naively thought he could keep the visits going until he tired of her and easily extricate himself.

Michelle played to his weaknesses and applied the pressure, coaching him on how abused he’d been by Jane and how he should free himself from Jane’s insidious control. Ironically she had taken control of Patrick, an easily manipulated man with poor boundaries, floundering in a state of confusion. She made hollow promises that she didn’t need any commitment and was up for no-strings-attached sex. She assured him she didn’t expect him to have any involvement with her three kids. It was an offer too good to refuse.

When Jane found out about the affair and was heartbroken and begged him to stop seeing her, he continued to act out in defiance and callous cruelty. He lacked concern and empathy for his wife’s pain and the pain and chaos he was causing to both families. Denying his responsibility to anyone, he brandished his newfound freedom (like a demented William Wallis on the battlefields of Scotland) and demanded his right to do whatever he liked because he was now ‘separated’.)

When put to the test, Patrick revealed his weak character. A product of the permissive 70s, he had never considered his morals and ethics when it came to sex and relationships. He had just gone along pragmatically with whatever views were presented to him. Throughout his life he had been easily influenced and led by others; an agreeable, non-assertive guy who didn’t take an independent stand on any issue.

He didn’t consider the consequences of the affair and the damage and heartbreak it would cause to everyone affected. He lacked empathy for those he hurt. He couldn’t see that he was being manipulated by Michelle and couldn’t see her hidden agenda of entrapment. He acted blindly from repressed pain, an impulse to retaliate and his emotional needs.

Divorce was familiar to Patrick. It seemed inevitable he would carry on the family tradition. His grandparents were pioneers of divorce, his parents divorced, his brother and sister had divorced. His sense of helplessness was programmed early and he lacked skills in asserting his power over the forces of family destruction.

But ultimately Patrick came to his senses and extricated himself from Michelle’s carefully laid man trap. He reconciled with Jane and the sordid affair was a catalyst for his long-overdue self-examination. He was forced to look at his character flaws and unresolved issues from his childhood and adolescence. He was challenged to explore the problems in his marriage, heal the wounds and rebuild his marriage on a healthy foundation.

The Other Woman Syndrome

The Other Woman in an affair likes to pretend the Wife does not exist. Mentally she ‘kills’ her off. The wife is conveniently blotted out of the fantasy picture. She is not a real human being but an inconvenience to be ignored.

But if the OW is forced to think about the wife, she demonises her as ‘mad’ or ‘bad’ or both. She condemns the wife as neurotic, unstable and weak or controlling, domineering and abusive; someone who does not understand, appreciate or deserve her husband.

The Other Woman likes to imagine that his marriage is a sham; that he is desperately unhappy, that he stays with her out of duty. She fools herself that the couple does not share a deep bond of love or a satisfying sex life.

She idolises the cheating husband. Lost in delusion, she sees him as the ‘perfect man’, ‘ideal partner’ or ‘soul mate’, blind to his glaring faults, none the least being his ability to lie and deceive and inflict pain on his wife and family.

She whitewashes herself as the rescuer who will save him from his miserable marriage. She sees herself as a ravishing heroine in a romance novel.

She glorifies their illicit relationship as a grand passion and delightful romance. The affair is all the more exhilarating because it is secret and forbidden and exists in a fantasy bubble, apart from the demands of real life.

If she is also cheating on her own husband, she will excuse herself by claiming he fails to meet her needs (for attention, affection, conversation, passionate sex, as a provider etc). She resorts to the old rationalising chestnut “What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him” (or her children), while she carries on a secret double life.

All these distorted mind games are concocted to justify and rationalise her indefensible position. The same distorted beliefs are operating for the Other Man who has an affair with another man’s wife.

The truth is there is nothing virtuous about an affair that causes such emotional wreckage to marriages and families. The mistress is playing the role of an unpaid prostitute being used by the cheating husband for his own selfish needs and ego boost.

Whatever problems exist within a marriage are none of the Other Woman’s business and can never be used to justify her violation. A good ‘friend’ would encourage any troubled man to seek professional help to repair his marriage not take advantage of his unhappiness.

Some OW’s claim they innocently ‘fell in love’ and were just too weak to stop getting involved. Others admit they deliberately pursue a married man just for the sport. What could possibly be the unconscious motivation of such ruthless operators?

Counsellors who delve into the childhood dynamics of the OW often discover a little girl who was jealous of her parents’ closeness and competed with her mother for Daddy’s affection and attention. She often played the role of Surrogate Wife, looking after her dad by making his dinner and fussing over him, and played Surrogate Mum to younger siblings, in the Helper and Carer role. She believing she could do a much better job than Mummy. When she becomes an adult this compulsion to compete with other wives for Daddy’s love continues.

Another unhealthy influence can be a deep-seated sibling rivalry amongst sisters. She becomes obsessively attracted to someone who belongs to another female, seeing him as more desirable than an available man. She feels a strong urge to compete and prove she is better than the wife. Like the envious and spiteful child who pinches her sister’s favourite dress and ruins it, she steals another woman’s husband and tries to destroy their happy marriage.

Yet another underlying driving force takes shape in the child or teenager who witnesses her parents’ adultery. She role models on an unfaithful mother as ‘normal’ behaviour or if her father was the cheating one, she can conclude that the Other Woman must have been pretty special to be preferred to her own mother and his family. So she aspires to being like the Other Woman her daddy found so alluring. When Dad has cheated on Mum, the daughter tends to blame her mum for failing as a wife.

A slightly different version of the adultery game is played when a couple is in a state of separation. It is common for an opportunist to swoop in like a vulture and exploit the vulnerability and confusion of the rejected partner. She will justify herself saying the man was ‘free’ even if he is still reeling in shock from his wife leaving.

In this case, the OW can be cunning and conniving. She will act quickly to become sexually involved to inflict maximum carnage in an attempt to ensure finality of the marriage and destroy the possibility of reconciliation. Using sex, she sinks in her claws to possess her naïve prey and bind him with false obligation to continue their liaison, which she hopes will develop into a committed relationship, having king hit and eliminated the rival ‘ex’ wife.

However the person who becomes involved with someone who is separated is guilty of adultery as is the separated partner. A marriage must be finished legally and morally with emotional closure before a legitimate new relationship begins.

The Other Woman who gets entangled with someone else’s marriage crisis might be calculating in her attempt to steal a husband but she fails to anticipate the power of love and forgiveness between a long-term couple. It is resilient, real love that withstands the most vicious attacks and survives stronger than ever.

Whatever problems are happening for the couple, it is between them, for them to work out, not to be used by a predatory third party to justify destroying their marriage, with the misguided belief she is rescuing an unhappy husband.

In their book, Rescue Your Love Life, psychologists Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend sympathise with the spouse who is not getting their needs met within the marriage. “Your feelings of being alone and hurt are very real and need help. But affairs are not healing. They are destructive like illegal drugs. They may medicate the pain for the moment, but in the end, they destroy all that’s really important. The responsible thing to do is to take your pain to good people who can love you, support you and help you through the process of healing your marriage.

The experienced counsellors warn against being fooled by attraction. They write: “Attraction is based on becoming intoxicated by someone with whom they do not have a real and whole relationship, and they idealise the part of him that they relate to. As a result they feel magically in love although there is no real relationship to back that up.

“Affairs offer a partial relationship that only includes the positive. The spouse in pain directs all the negative stuff – the disappointment and hurt - toward the mate. So all the ‘good stuff’ goes toward the fantasy love object. The ‘all-good’ fantasy is allowed to remain intact because it does not have the day-to-day pressures that marriage inevitably has. In an affair there is little need to work out compromise, conflict and the like, as it is mainly a rescue mission from the ‘bad spouse’.

“The bottom line is that attraction is a bad barometer. It gives you false readings of what the other person is truly like, which you can discover only in a full-blown relationship with him. It gives you false readings of what you really need from a relationship because an idealised romantic state is not what you need long term.

“The attraction will fade and then you are left with all the negatives that did not surface in the affair, along with one additional negative, which is to see yourself as someone who betrayed your spouse and perhaps even stole another person’s spouse. Using attraction as a barometer gives you a false reading of your spouse as well. The reason for this is simple: the comparison of your spouse to the idealised affair is never realistic and the spouse always loses to the fantasy.

“The romantic scene may be enticing but that scene is part of a larger movie with a tragic ending. Play the movie all the way to the end. See your family destroyed, your friends split up, your spouse broken hearted, your children devastated, and all of the other devastation that will occur. That is the real movie you are contemplating. So before you raise the lights and lock the theatre doors for the night, add another scene to the plot: the one where you get smart and run the other way. Do not succumb to the fantasy of attraction.”

Recovery from Adultery is Possible

To commit adultery is not merely to hurt your partner’s feelings. Adultery strikes much deeper. It is a sin against your partner, an offence that injures and damages their soul. If you’re the one sinned against, it is possible to forgive. To forgive means to process and let go of the pain, hatred and bitterness and pardon without punishment. If you leave the marriage, forgiveness is necessary for the sake of your emotional health so you can move on in your life.

If you are a victim of a crime, it makes logical sense to get as far away from the offender as possible so you can feel safe. However many victims of adultery stay with their partner. How is it possible to stay with a partner who has committed a serious offence against you and emotionally damaged you and continue to live with them on a daily basis? Isn’t it like living with the enemy? Wouldn’t you be a nervous wreck? A healthy marriage rests on a foundation of emotional safety and trust. Adultery destroys the foundation. It begs the question, how can you stay in a marriage with someone who has deliberately shattered your trust?

Jane told me there were six good reasons why she took back her unfaithful husband.

1. Imagining him with another woman, I realised how much I loved and wanted my husband and family. It was a painful wake-up call. I had taken him for granted and not appreciated what I had: a beautiful husband and two beautiful children.
2. I understood why he did it. He was feeling rejected and neglected. I wasn’t meeting his emotional need for admiration and had become critical of him. I had hurt him deeply in our early days through a few juvenile infatuations and minor flings that he had never recovered from.

3. I realised my part in his adultery. I felt deep remorse for how I had injured him in the past. For the first time I felt empathy for the pain he suffered as a devoted young husband.

4. I made a choice to actively pursue forgiveness and worked on it every day for two years. I don’t believe humans have the ability to forgive. I prayed constantly for the Holy Spirit to give me the strength to forgive and free me from pain. I also prayed for God’s forgiveness for my own sins. And I needed to forgive myself for the mess I’d made of our marriage.
5. We stayed together because we loved each other, despite the pain we had inflicted on each other. I talked to two girlfriends who left their marriages because they had to face the fact that their husbands who had affairs did not love them, or were incapable of real love. They reminded me that my husband actually did love me and it was worth rebuilding our marriage.
6. I had changed deeply through the experience of being utterly heartbroken. I went through a period of grieving and soul-searching, facing my mistakes and faults and I came out of it a more honest, humble and better person. I believed that he too could heal, change and grow as a man.

Once you have decided to re-commit, how do you live post-affair? There are three options.

Bury all memories of the offence, repress the pain, do not feel your outrage, humiliation and grief and do not work through and process the trauma in counselling. Never talk about it with your partner. Make the subject taboo and carry on like it didn’t happen.

I know one man who adopted this approach after discovering his wife had been having an affair for five years. He took her back, they moved interstate to start a new life and never spoke of it again.

The problem was, the unresolved emotional pain festered within him like an infected wound until the end of his life when illness broke down his defences and all the emotional pain spewed out in savage attacks of delayed retribution on his wife and family. He squandered away his entire life’s savings in a destructive act of sabotage and vengeance and left his wife financially ruined when he died a broken man. It was a tragedy.

The second option is to live in a state of vigilance. Your trust has been destroyed but you love your husband so you opt to monitor and control his movements on a daily basis, checking his diary appointments, emails and phone calls to ensure he doesn’t re-offend. You place conditions on him. You quiz and interrogate him. You go on high alert. You become neurotic with anxiety.

You cannot trust other women. In fact no woman of any age, shape or form is beyond suspicion. Any contact he has with another woman triggers memories of him with her and you want to stop him having any social or professional dealings with women, you’ve reached such a pitch of insecurity and mistrust. You will do anything to protect yourself from ever being so deeply hurt again. As fro your husband, he feels imprisoned on a life sentence of psychological punishment, emasculated and suffocated. Ironically your vigilance makes him want to break free.

The third option is true reconciliation. Forgiveness takes one person. You can do it even if the offender is not sorry and unrepentant. Forgiveness is about your own inner world, freeing yourself of the torment of painful memories and emotions, letting go of the desire to get revenge. It is a means to restore your own emotional health. You can forgive a partner if you divorce or if you stay together. It’s a one-way street. But forgiveness alone will not restore your marriage.

Marriage requires two participants. True reconciliation is based on the offending partner experiencing healing and growth. He or she has to change and commit to becoming a new person and embracing a new life. This is the process repentance, meaning to ‘re-think’. Repentance promises redemption and renewal.

So how does a person really change, so the change is on the inside not just revised behaviour? I believe real change comes from laying down defences, denial and repression and experiencing inner pain and shedding tears.

The heartbroken are transformed. As Jesus said on the Sermon on the Mount, those who mourn shall be comforted. Jesus called us to emotional honesty and ‘feeling work’. He embraced pain himself in the Garden of Gethsemane. The person who hits rock bottom, who falls to their knees in humility and surrender is ready to change.

In feeling your heart break, you are given the gift of empathy. You know what pain and grief feels like and this allows you to understand the pain of others. Empathy leads to understanding and compassion. It connects you to humanity.

Like being swept along a raging river, empathy instantly leads you to another gift of the heart: remorse. When you know what pain is, you will feel genuine sorrow for everyone you have harmed and sinned against in your lifetime. Remorse is very different from guilt. Guilt is a selfish, narcissistic emotion. It’s all about feeling bad about yourself. And shame is another destructive self-absorbing condition. But remorse will free you. Remorse is about others. It is unselfish. Remorse will allow you to grieve for all the harm you’ve ever done.

Remorse sweeps you into the depths of the swirling river with a realisation that you need saving. You need forgiveness. Suddenly it makes sense that you need a Saviour, a mediator to connect you with your Creator. You realise you are unworthy to face God without the gift of forgiveness. Remorse brings you to a poignant cry for forgiveness that comes from the depth of your soul.

To receive divine forgiveness is to bask in God’s grace and mercy and naturally commit to a new life. You find yourself on dry land with a desire to make amends and live a better life, with humility, gratitude and God’s help.

In spiritual traditions, this experience is called the Dark Night of the Soul. How does this spiritual process affect you marriage? Facing your past sins and mistakes, leads you to committing to a new life together. In a practical sense, this means embracing new values and learning new skills.

The Healing Process
A physical injury requires healing. If you were to slash your stomach and cover it with a dressing and put a big bandage over it and forget about it, the chances are the wound would become infected and wouldn’t heal.

It’s the same with an emotional wound. You can’t just cover it up and hide it away and think it will heal all on its own without any treatment.

Time by itself does not heal an emotional wound. Time merely gives you the means for healing. Healing requires active processing. Processing has to be intentional. If not ignore and covered over the injure and tenderness, the infection can go deeper and spread.

PROCESSING means outwardly feeling and expressing the pain and grief; crying and sobbing, weeping and wailing, moaning and groaning. It means fully embracing introspection and analysing all the issues through reading and journaling and seeking help through counselling and support groups.

In your emotional healing process you will know you have reached the point of DESENSITISATION when a ‘scar’ forms and you can prod the injury without pain; that is, someone might mention it or you can think about the trauma with it hurting any more.

FORGIVENESS means to pardon the offender and let go of your desire to retaliate and punish. You give up anger and bitterness, judgement and condemnation, which ends up freeing you as much as your partner.

SHOCK AND DISBELIEF lingers for a long time. You will find yourself mystified as to just how the person who loves you, who is mean to care for and protect you, could be so cruel and hurt you so deeply. You will ask why? and how could he? hundreds of times, wasting a ridiculous amount of effort trying to work him out. Regret in the form of if only will torment you too. This is the mind doing battle with shock and you will know you have come through it when you reach a point of acceptance.

BENEFITS come from trauma. Humans are frail and vulnerable and paradoxically we are resilient and optimistic. We will always seek to bounce back and see the positive in traumatic events as a means of coping. Ultimately you will be able to see the benefits of the trauma of adultery; the character growth that has come through pain.

Remorse and scathing self-honesty is necessary. Take a long hard look at your own faults and the destructive patterns in your life. Explore how you have failed and hurt your partner and face up to your mistakes.

Feeling your own pain cultivates empathy and compassion for the suffering of others. In fact, it is impossible to feel compassion for others if we have not sunk to the depths of despair ourselves. To have your heart broken is the prerequisite for ministering to fellow wounded and heartbroken humans.

Facing your own weakness, mistakes and sin makes you realise your need for divine forgiveness, salvation and faith. You might find yourself on a spiritual path you did not have before.

When your foray into crossing the boundaries wreaks havoc, you will naturally embrace stronger, protective values and morals with renewed commitment to your marriage and family.

You will vow never to let this most precious of treasures be threatened again. Your marriage can be better than ever with this fresh commitment and your determination to eliminate destructive habits and meet each other’s needs.

Realise that sex can bring great pleasure within a safe, committed relationship, but it also has the power to cause great pain when misused. Enjoy a revitalised love life, showing new tenderness and passion for each other.

You are now equipped with a stronger and deeper character, the empathy and understanding, life experience and knowledge that equips you to help others in so many ways. Fortunately you get a second chance; to learn from your mistakes, make amends and live a good life.

Ultimately it is possible to reframe the experience.

Jane can have the final word. She says:

Having come so close to losing her husband, she felt a new gratitude and appreciation of him. It was the wake-up call she needed to value and protect her marriage and family and to make a passionate commitment to a lifetime together.

It led her to re-evaluate her values and faith, which had a ripple effect on the whole family. Through the pain she developed empathy, understanding and compassion for others. The healing process and self-examination made her a better person.

Growing as an individual and finding love and happiness in her marriage, helped her develop professionally and find success in her career.

The Agony of Adultery - Jane's Story

Let’s not glamorise it, dignify it, legitimise it or minimise it by calling it such light-hearted, whimsical names as an 'affair’, a ‘romance’ or a 'fling’.

Let’s call it what it is: adultery; a devastating trauma for the betrayed partner and innocent children injured by the fall-out.

Like most traumas - think of a car accident, facing a life-threatening illness, the death of a child, financial disaster - no one can really understand the depth of the pain unless they have experienced it.

In our sex-drenched culture where sex is treated so casually, it is hard to comprehend the emotional pain caused by a partner’s unfaithfulness.

A woman I know, let’s call her Jane, shared her devastation when her husband committed adultery. It took her three years to fully recover.

This is Jane's Story...

I could never have imagined the emotional pain of my husband being sexually involved with another woman until I was on the receiving end. This was no game or harmless flirtation, no fantasy. The reality of his adultery was a violation to my soul.

When I first found out, the shock waves reverberated in my mind and whole body. I was on my own in a foreign city. I lay awake all night staring at the ceiling, my heart pounding. It was a sledgehammer blow that plunged me into shock and smashed my entire life. Everything precious was smashed to smithereens.

As the reality sank in, shock turned to grief and I began crying uncontrollably for days and weeks. I was heartbroken. It felt like my heart had been severed with a knife and was gaping open. I wandered around in a daze, with tears streaming down my face.

After more than two decades of marriage, the bond that joined us as husband and wife was deep and inextricable on all levels; emotional, mental, physical, spiritual. It was this sacred bond that was violated, causing me such excruciating pain.

There was an incarcerating stretch of six weeks from when I found out about his involvement before I could finish my project and get a plane home. In that time I didn’t know if my husband would take me back or if our marriage was over. I was gripped with fear about the unknown future. I experienced such gnawing anxiety I could barely breathe and barely eat. I lost two stone in weight. I was cut adrift from the bonds of human love and care that had once held me so secure. I felt a sense of alienation that I had never known before and tasted the soul-chilling isolation of homelessness.

When I returned, my husband initially refused to take me back. I found myself with no marriage, no family, no home, no money, no job, no car and few real friends. For the first time in my comfortable, secure life I was abandoned with nowhere to go. I was on the brink of losing everything like so many mangled causalities of divorce.

Through her destructive influence, my husband was in an irrational state of guilty confusion. He had veered off the rails and we were heading for a train wreck.

Some so-called friends and dubious counsellors were more harmful than helpful at this critical turning point but with the support of one trustworthy counsellor, we managed to avert disaster and get our marriage back on track.

He ended the affair and we committed to rebuilding our marriage but I continued to stumble through a private hell of mental and emotional landmines.

In the months that followed, Iike a small boat being tossed in a storm, I rode the rough seas of turbulent emotions, and just when I thought the storm had subsided and calm was restored, I was hit with another wave of grief or rage or another disturbing realisation.

Before his adultery, I was ambivalent about the concept of ‘sin’ but now I was consumed by the bitter rage that comes from being ‘sinned against’. I now understood what it was to experience an offence that doesn’t merely ‘hurt your feelings’ but injures your soul.

I began to understand how victims of crime have revenge fantasies. My sense of outrage was overwhelming. I didn’t know it was humanly possible to feel such violent anger. I would visualise driving to her house and beating her up. I imagined the scene in vivid detail and had to pray hard to overcome the urge. I felt such intense hatred for her.

As the sordid details emerged bit by bit; the number of times it happened, where and when, the pre-meditated scheming and the lies and deception, I unleashed a torrent of rage on my husband, throwing things, bashing walls, screaming and spitting venomous diatribes of condemnation.

But the rage was just the surface expression of what was happening deep inside my gut. I felt violated; a churning sickening disgust. He had contaminated our marriage bed, defiled the sacred intimacy and mystery that connected us. I was flooded with images of them together and burning with a need to know all the sexual details. For some people, picking over the details would be masochism but for me it was necessary in processing.

The images filled my mind when we were making love. With every move, I was wondering did he do that to her? A third person had invaded our bed. The Eternal Triangle is a dysfunctional basis for a relationship. Even though it was over, I still felt a sense of exclusion like the outsider. I know this sense of sexual violation is a common experience for betrayed partners.

I became obsessed with her 24/7. Her sneering face was the first thing I saw when I woke up, when I was driving in traffic, when I was pushing the trolley in the supermarket. She had invaded my very being. More than obsessed, I was possessed. Unbelievably this torment lasted three years. I was mentally and emotionally scrambled. Doctors would call it Post Traumatic Stress. Who would think that a husband’s (or wife’s) pleasurable exploits could have such a lasting damaging effect on your mental health?

I had been naïve about women in the past. It was shocking to realise that another woman, who had been a friend, could attack and deliberately try to destroy our marriage and family and steal my husband. For her own selfish reasons, she was willing to hurt another human being and justify and rationalise her role. Like most women who have affairs, she absolved herself from moral responsibility by claiming it was his choice to cheat on his wife and ‘not up to her’! She had convinced herself that I was a ‘bad wife’ and didn’t deserve him, and saw herself as the rescuer, saving him from an unhappy marriage. How could my husband like and collude with someone determined to harm me?

As if she hadn’t inflicted enough pain, she even wrote a vicious, deluded letter months later boasting about their glorious romance and passion, declaring her adoration for him, condemning me, attacking our marriage and defending her noble character. After this hideous affair that injured two families, there was no reflection and remorse on her part. Months after, she seethed with hatred for me because I won the contest for my husband and in her malicious letter, she cruelly twisted the knife. To this day, I doubt that she has had the moral courage to face the truth about what she did.

I grieved for the loss of specialness in our love life. There was nothing special and uniquely ours anymore. This very personal and private part of our relationship had been taken from me. I’d been robbed of sexual purity and I’d been robbed of the romance and intimacy that should have been exclusively mine as a wife.

For someone who had previously been very confident in my attractiveness and sexuality, I became riddled with insecurity and jealousy and plagued with questions, comparing myself with this phantom rival. Did he find her more attractive? Did he love her? Did he feel emotionally close to her? Did he experience more passion than with me? Did she perform better? It was a debilitating obsession. My self-esteem plummeted and I lost my confidence as a woman.

I felt so humiliated and ashamed. I needed the support of family and friends and yet to talk about what happened made me so embarrassed. Whenever I talked with girlfriends, I felt better for off-loading but at the cost of losing my dignity.

Friends who had not been the victim of adultery could not understand the depth of pain and would get impatient with my slow progress with the glib advice to Get Over It and Move On. Recovery was mostly a lonely journey in my room: crying and journaling, seeking solace in books and praying but I was also blessed with the support of women friends in therapy groups and some sanity-saving counselling sessions.

It is hard to fathom that such a common experience in marriage can destroy your emotional health. For a long time I was so psychologically fragile I was unable to function properly at work. I moved between shock and disbelief that the man who loved me and shared my life could be so cruel to obsessing about understanding him, then sinking into grief for all we had lost and just as suddenly being overcome with bitterness and hatred.

It was through all this that I learned about forgiveness and practised it on a daily basis. I don’t believe humans have the power to forgive without divine help. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to give me power to forgive him and her. I prayed for forgiveness for myself and I prayed for emotional healing, to be freed from pain, anger and the desire for revenge.

My trust in my husband was shattered. He not only betrayed me sexually and emotionally, he also betrayed my privacy, telling her our secrets, discussing our issues and maligning me to win her sympathy. He had demonstrated that he was a brilliant liar, a devious master of deception. Through my digging and probing, it emerged that he had a pattern of lying to me throughout our marriage to protect himself. He was the master of the half-truth, skilled at the art of omission and fudging the facts.

It took ages for him to tell the whole truth about the affair. He would flare up when I asked a question or wanted to talk about it rationally. He tried to bury the whole episode and ‘just put it behind us’, as men like to do. His angry flare-ups were an effective tactic to avoid honesty and any genuine reflection but I persisted, although it was painful and caused countless arguments ending in my tears and his withdrawal. If we were to start afresh on a basis of honesty, it was essential I knew all the details. Rebuilding trust and emotional safety was a long and harrowing process.

He perceived my approaches for reassurance and consoling as attacks which triggered his guilt and shame and my attempts at calm discussion would repeatedly end in vicious fights, which I am ashamed to say impacted our teenage daughter who often locked herself in her room to hide from her demented screaming parents.

My respect for my husband was shattered. Throughout our marriage, I had elevated him on a pedestal as a paragon of virtue. He had carefully constructed a false image of a man of integrity. His adultery showed me he was capable of sinking to the lowest of the low. He had revealed his character weaknesses, being a sucker for female flattery and a willing participant in casual sex, no better than any other mindless male. I realised he had no morals around sexuality and no sense of honour as a husband. He had to work hard to regain my respect, dismantle his phoniness and face his demons.

It was easy to be judgmental. Facing my own demons was harder. The most profound and transformative emotion I experienced was remorse; a deep sorrow for all the wrong and harm I had done in my marriage, as a wife and mother, and in my single days, doing my shameful stint as the Other Woman, damaging innocent girlfriends and wives.

I entered the Dark Night of the Soul; a tunnel of reflection and soul-searching that took me to every black corner of my past to face my own sins, which I had been in denial about for years. I discovered that being a better person was not about fine-tuning a perfect image but the opposite; becoming more honest about my faults, more humble and more authentic. Through my experience of pain I developed empathy, understanding and compassion for other people’s suffering and struggles.

I was forced to explore the fault lines in our marriage, my own destructive habits and failure to love my husband properly. I read relationship books voraciously and started uncovering a few vital clues. The trauma of adultery set me on a quest to discover the secrets to a healthy marriage.

On the up side, if I am honest with myself, knowing that another woman fell for him made me appreciate my husband as a man. It reminded me of the attractive qualities that she must have seen in him; the qualities I first fell in love with; his handsome face, his gentleness, his charm, his humour, his conversational skills, his musical talent. I longed to re-connect with him and savour the level of intimacy he illicitly experienced with someone else.

Thinking about their carefully staged rendezvous’ made me want to compete with her as a seductress and romance my husband with candlelit dinners and lovemaking. She had created a fantasy bubble that blocked out the reality of everyday family life. It was an unsustainable sham. What I started offering my husband was real love and real romance.

In my better moments, I felt a poignant understanding and compassion for his human neediness. I admitted that I wasn’t meeting his emotional needs for acceptance, admiration and respect and could see how he was seeking to get this with someone else. Like all of us, he was driven by his unmet needs. He was flattered that someone found him attractive. His vulnerability collided with her opportunism.

Having come close to losing my husband, I now feel a new gratitude and appreciation of him, for all his faults. I am determined not to leave him vulnerable and open for another predatory woman to swoop in. I am now smarter about protecting my marriage and family.

After her malicious, self-righteous letter, I was determined to prove her wrong and prove to myself that I was not a ‘bad wife’, just someone who had made mistakes and was willing to change and grow. The painful crisis had the effect of making me determined to win my husband back just as he has tried to win me back with going on dates and romantic weekends away.

In response to her assault on our marriage, we ultimately closed ranks and presented a united front and restored the protective boundaries. We cut the soul ties and found emotional closure through mental discipline. I stopped obsessing about her and focused on us. I reclaimed what she attempted to steal, kill and destroy: my husband, my marriage, my family, my future and my self-esteem as a woman. Her twisted views on our marriage, her infatuation with my husband, her deluded view of herself and her incursion into our sacred space no longer had any power.

It took immense courage to work through the trauma but after all the processing and learning to forgive and love and cherish each other, we were blessed with some rare spiritual gems: redemption, renewal, restoration, reconciliation and recovery.