I am embarrassed to admit that when I was an impressionable teenager in the 70’s, desperately searching for a hero, I had a poster of Germaine Greer on my bedroom wall.
While feminism succeeded in challenging political and workplace inequities, in the personal sphere of sexual morality, the movement led astray a whole generation of women.
By promoting free sex, feminism opened up a world of heartache in confused relationships and exacerbated social problems such as unwanted pregnancy, abortion and adoption and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and later an explosion in the divorce rate and the multitude of traumas and complications that broken marriages unleashed.
If the freedom-loving Hippies and self-centred Baby Boomers didn’t suffer enough for their misguided choices, they also failed to pass on moral guidance to their children.
In the first decade of the 21st century, we have seen a whole generation which has grown up lacking a solid moral framework, becoming sexually active at a ridiculously young age, while still clutching their teddy bears.
Many teenage girls view going all the way with random boys as just another way of having fun, along with getting trashed on booze and texting their friends about their exploits. In fact, they boast about the porn tricks they willingly perform.
So where did the breakdown of sexual morality start? In the post-war 1950’s, traditional values of courtship, engagement and white weddings were all the go. Then the 60’s Sexual Revolution changed all that as the Flower Children celebrating free love as a means of protest against war. It was a seemingly naïve and innocent sentiment however mixing up sex and politics proved to be a bad mistake.
In the catalytic 60’s, the Pill freed women from fear of unwanted pregnancy and feminism further legitimised casual sex. Liberated young women set out to prove they were equal to men in sharing the cavalier male attitude to one-night stands. Once again, politics got mixed up with the personal and women sacrificed their standards and their role as moral guardians.
Poor bitter and lonely Germaine. Having studied personality types in-depth, I now sadly realise that the feminist icon was expressing her own peculiar desire for power, fear of intimacy and disdain for her mother. Her eloquent and persuasive polemics are based on personal issues rather than life-enhancing universal truths.
What a flop of a role model she turned out to be for this young girl. Now in reflective middle age, I have grown to deeply regret my defiant rejection of traditional values. My life would have been so much easier with far less inner conflict if I had embraced an old-fashioned devotion to marriage and family from the outset, instead of fighting it.
I’m not the only intelligent woman who is kicking herself over feminism. In her book, What Women Want Next, columnist for The Australian newspaper, Susan Maushart writes: “Maybe it was never feminism’s aim to make us happy. But was it really supposed to make us anxious and confused and plagued with self-doubt? Was it supposed to send divorce rates through the roof and fertility down the gurgler? Was it supposed to turn parenting into a battlefield, or to strip the dignity from unpaid labour? “
While feminism performed a great service in highlighting a multitude of social ills, it failed to offer a healthy model for relationships and robbed us of the ideals that guided our grandparents.
Christian sexual morality of ‘saving yourself’ for marriage, that is, abstaining from pre-marital sex and committing to a life-long monogamous marriage might seem anachronistic, boring and restrictive in our sex-drenched contemporary culture, with its bombardment of casual sex in movies, music, magazines and easy access to internet pornography.
Some young people think they would ‘miss out’ if they don’t experiment widely with sex before marriage. And yet, if we Baby Boomers are honest, misuse of sexuality has led to immense suffering. It’s at the pivotal core of relationship misery.
The teenager who blunders into sex before he or she is emotionally mature enough to handle this level of intimacy ends up heart broken, ashamed and damaged. They use their bodies to meet the cravings for connection, affection and attention, often the emotional needs they missed out on growing up in broken families.
The 20-something single notching up one-night stands invites loneliness and despair and moves further and further away from a genuine, lasting relationship with someone who is willing to invest the time to get to know them at a deeper level and commit for the long haul.
The divorcee, desperately searching for a new partner, who uses instant sex as leverage, gets used and discarded. They end up more damaged; blaming their bitterness on ‘all men’ or ‘all women’ without taking responsibility for their destructive opportunism.
Discontented married men and women who stray suffer the pain of violating a sacred trust. Affairs, promoted by our popular culture as harmless flings, either smash and destroy families or do so much damage, it takes years for a couple to recover.
Long before feminism and the Sexual Revolution of the 60s, another radical polemicist, Jesus of Nazareth advocated monogamous marriage.
I don’t believe that Christianity is out to spoil our fun by restricting sexual freedom. On the contrary, restricting sex to marriage protects us from pain and fosters the fulfilment that comes from enjoying intimacy within the safety and sanctity of a committed union.
Young people are wise to resist popular culture’s pressure to embrace sexual permissiveness. Old-fashioned Christian morality might just be the radicalism this lost generation desperately needs.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Why do some Counsellors Encourage Break-ups?
Too many counsellors are quick to encourage clients to leave their marriages. Given that divorce is a traumatic, life-changing event for the couple and their children, why would counsellors encourage break-ups rather than work to save marriages?
Ethically counsellors are not meant to impose their values on clients; however it is impossible for counsellors not to operate from their own values, biases and life experience. Sadly, vulnerable clients are not functioning rationally and are usually desperately seeking direction from an “expert” and susceptible to being influenced by a counsellor they’ve put on the pedestal of authority.
It would be more honest for a counsellor to openly state at the outset of a counselling program their values to give clients an informed choice.
One counsellor might state: “I strongly believe in marriage and will do everything I can to help you save your marriage.”
Another might state: “I believe leaving an unhappy marriage is the best solution and I will help you make the break.”
Still another counsellor might fence sit and say: “I have no set view. I will help you explore the options and allow you to make up your own mind.”
Some counsellors hold the view that a marriage can run its course, that two people develop in different directions and in order to “grow” they need to “move on”.
Many female counsellors encourage women to break free from “controlling” husbands to discover independence and liberation. They believe they are performing a great service in helping their client find the courage to leave their unhappy marriage.
When you scratch the surface you discover that most of these counsellors are divorced or separated themselves. Having escaped painful marriages in the past, they are now on a mission to “save” other downtrodden spouses. I suspect they could be projecting their own issues, and unresolved anger and bitterness, onto their clients to justify their own choices.
I also see counsellors misusing the co-dependency model. Co-dependency was a term coined in the 70s, which applied to marriages between an alcoholic or drug addict and an “enabling” partner. It identified dynamics such as how the addict manipulates their spouse into supplying their drug, turning a blind eye or covering up for their habit. For the addict to overcome the addiction, the enabling partner has to leave temporarily. The caring spouse must also protect themself from being emotionally drained by the addict’s demands.
This concept of dysfunctional co-dependence has been wrongly applied to normal marriage. Granted there are destructive habits within marriages such as physical and verbal abuse, which are completely unacceptable and must be eliminated. However these serious problems can be solved without terminating a marriage permanently.
To care for the needs of your partner and to want to be loved is NOT co-dependent. The desire to give and receive emotional support is normal and natural. Humans are wired to grow up and leave parents and seek an intimate lifelong connection with a loving partner and raise a family together. This is healthy interdependence.
There’s another reason why counsellors are quick to give up on couples in crisis. Effective marital therapy is complex and requires great skill, patience and perseverance from the counsellor. It is one of the hardest forms of counselling.
In fact marital therapy has a low success rate because there are so few skilled marriage counsellors. It is easier to throw in the towel and give up on a couple, with an attitude: “Well, it’s just too hard. Why don’t you break up and put us all out of our misery!”
So I will state my values openly. I believe that divorce is an agonising tragedy to be avoided at all costs. I believe that marriage is worth saving and that it is possible to build a strong, happy marriage despite conflict and crisis, once you discover how.
I know this because we’ve been there. Our marriage survived despite the misguided advice of counsellors and friends with their own agendas. Fortunately, we found a pro-marriage counsellor and supportive friends who valued our marriage enough to help us save it.
Ethically counsellors are not meant to impose their values on clients; however it is impossible for counsellors not to operate from their own values, biases and life experience. Sadly, vulnerable clients are not functioning rationally and are usually desperately seeking direction from an “expert” and susceptible to being influenced by a counsellor they’ve put on the pedestal of authority.
It would be more honest for a counsellor to openly state at the outset of a counselling program their values to give clients an informed choice.
One counsellor might state: “I strongly believe in marriage and will do everything I can to help you save your marriage.”
Another might state: “I believe leaving an unhappy marriage is the best solution and I will help you make the break.”
Still another counsellor might fence sit and say: “I have no set view. I will help you explore the options and allow you to make up your own mind.”
Some counsellors hold the view that a marriage can run its course, that two people develop in different directions and in order to “grow” they need to “move on”.
Many female counsellors encourage women to break free from “controlling” husbands to discover independence and liberation. They believe they are performing a great service in helping their client find the courage to leave their unhappy marriage.
When you scratch the surface you discover that most of these counsellors are divorced or separated themselves. Having escaped painful marriages in the past, they are now on a mission to “save” other downtrodden spouses. I suspect they could be projecting their own issues, and unresolved anger and bitterness, onto their clients to justify their own choices.
I also see counsellors misusing the co-dependency model. Co-dependency was a term coined in the 70s, which applied to marriages between an alcoholic or drug addict and an “enabling” partner. It identified dynamics such as how the addict manipulates their spouse into supplying their drug, turning a blind eye or covering up for their habit. For the addict to overcome the addiction, the enabling partner has to leave temporarily. The caring spouse must also protect themself from being emotionally drained by the addict’s demands.
This concept of dysfunctional co-dependence has been wrongly applied to normal marriage. Granted there are destructive habits within marriages such as physical and verbal abuse, which are completely unacceptable and must be eliminated. However these serious problems can be solved without terminating a marriage permanently.
To care for the needs of your partner and to want to be loved is NOT co-dependent. The desire to give and receive emotional support is normal and natural. Humans are wired to grow up and leave parents and seek an intimate lifelong connection with a loving partner and raise a family together. This is healthy interdependence.
There’s another reason why counsellors are quick to give up on couples in crisis. Effective marital therapy is complex and requires great skill, patience and perseverance from the counsellor. It is one of the hardest forms of counselling.
In fact marital therapy has a low success rate because there are so few skilled marriage counsellors. It is easier to throw in the towel and give up on a couple, with an attitude: “Well, it’s just too hard. Why don’t you break up and put us all out of our misery!”
So I will state my values openly. I believe that divorce is an agonising tragedy to be avoided at all costs. I believe that marriage is worth saving and that it is possible to build a strong, happy marriage despite conflict and crisis, once you discover how.
I know this because we’ve been there. Our marriage survived despite the misguided advice of counsellors and friends with their own agendas. Fortunately, we found a pro-marriage counsellor and supportive friends who valued our marriage enough to help us save it.
Why should Marriage last a Lifetime?
We came close to divorce. Almost losing something precious gives you a heightened sense of gratitude and shakes up your priorities. Now there is nothing more important to me than my marriage and family. Just as the survivor of a terminal illness is filled with gratitude for being alive, we now appreciate every day we are together.
We survived a traumatic crisis and suffered remorse for the hurt we’d inflicted on each other and grieved for the emotional security and trust we’d lost. In all the soul-searching, we faced our past mistakes and how we had failed and resolved to be better partners to each other.
We have worked hard to repair the damage and heal our wounds and are fiercely committed to staying together forever, no matter what. Throughout this painful process, we reflected on the reasons why a marriage should last a lifetime. Here are some obvious points to consider before taking the plunge of the Big D.
Divorce can injure your health. The horrendous stress of breaking up is debilitating and the on-going conflict over access visits and other dramas with the Ex continue to erode health and well-being. Sometimes the impact on health is worse for men who were dependent on their wife for organising the cooking and a healthy lifestyle. Many divorced men fall in a heap and degenerate into bad habits.
Divorce decimates finances. By going it alone you halve the financial strength of a solid partnership and double your expenses. Many men are financially gutted by the an onerous court settlement and many women, with less earning capacity, end up financially crippled and struggling as single mothers for years (while desperately pursuing another relationship to ease the burden).
In marriage we create a family and a personal history with a treasure trove of cherished memories. How could we smash this continuity? How could we possibly share our memories with a new partner who wasn’t there (and has their own personal history)? How awkward it must be for second-time partners when it comes to reminiscing about the past. How do you integrate a past spent with another spouse and kids with the new family’s memories? I imagine it is difficult for all ‘old’ and ‘new’ family members.
As casualties of the marital battlefield know, divorce seems like an enticing escape route and divorcees try valiantly to minimise the impact on children and themselves. But divorce, I believe, is nothing short of a tragedy, which takes years of recovery.
Ex-spouses must free themselves from bitterness if they are to find emotional and spiritual peace. From what I see, many divorcees do not undertake the painful healing work and continue to blame their Ex and carry a sense of brokenness while their children’s lives are permanently complicated.
How attractive is the option of a new partner really? Once the temporary euphoria of infatuation and novelty wears off, any new partner is likely to be laden with their quota of flaws and a heavy load of emotional baggage; all the unresolved issues and unhealed pain of their past relationships. Hooking up with another wounded casualty is no solution to your own pain. The opposite happens: you compound the issues. Stepfamilies are a huge challenge.
Kids need their parents for life. Our job doesn’t end when they turn 21. Adult children need guidance and support from stable and wise parents as they navigate adulthood. And your future grandchildren will need a united Nana and Pa too.
When we give our heart to someone and share ourselves at an intimate level, we become immensely vulnerable. Such vulnerability must be cushioned by the security of lifelong commitment. We need to know our mate will be there for us always, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, and never bail out and abandon us when the going gets tough. As Dr Phil says, marriage ideally gives us “a soft place to fall.”
Finally it strikes me that we need an entire lifetime together to work out our psychological issues. It takes that long to break free from destructive patterns and to grow and mature and reach a resting place of real love, beyond all illusions.
These are not good reasons to suffer a miserable, loveless marriage or physical or emotional abuse from a violent, addicted or dysfunctional partner. However they are good reasons to try everything possible to redeem a bad marriage and transform it into a functional, healthy one.
Spare yourself the grief and sense of failure and dislocation of divorce and seize the courage to work through issues with your husband or wife. It takes two to be willing to change and grow and it is essential to find the right help through your own reading, counselling, support groups and marriage courses.
A successful, happy marriage is a worthwhile destination and I aim to reach it with the man I signed up with more than two decades ago. We are wounded but not broken travelling partners on the treacherous journey of marriage.
We survived a traumatic crisis and suffered remorse for the hurt we’d inflicted on each other and grieved for the emotional security and trust we’d lost. In all the soul-searching, we faced our past mistakes and how we had failed and resolved to be better partners to each other.
We have worked hard to repair the damage and heal our wounds and are fiercely committed to staying together forever, no matter what. Throughout this painful process, we reflected on the reasons why a marriage should last a lifetime. Here are some obvious points to consider before taking the plunge of the Big D.
Divorce can injure your health. The horrendous stress of breaking up is debilitating and the on-going conflict over access visits and other dramas with the Ex continue to erode health and well-being. Sometimes the impact on health is worse for men who were dependent on their wife for organising the cooking and a healthy lifestyle. Many divorced men fall in a heap and degenerate into bad habits.
Divorce decimates finances. By going it alone you halve the financial strength of a solid partnership and double your expenses. Many men are financially gutted by the an onerous court settlement and many women, with less earning capacity, end up financially crippled and struggling as single mothers for years (while desperately pursuing another relationship to ease the burden).
In marriage we create a family and a personal history with a treasure trove of cherished memories. How could we smash this continuity? How could we possibly share our memories with a new partner who wasn’t there (and has their own personal history)? How awkward it must be for second-time partners when it comes to reminiscing about the past. How do you integrate a past spent with another spouse and kids with the new family’s memories? I imagine it is difficult for all ‘old’ and ‘new’ family members.
As casualties of the marital battlefield know, divorce seems like an enticing escape route and divorcees try valiantly to minimise the impact on children and themselves. But divorce, I believe, is nothing short of a tragedy, which takes years of recovery.
Ex-spouses must free themselves from bitterness if they are to find emotional and spiritual peace. From what I see, many divorcees do not undertake the painful healing work and continue to blame their Ex and carry a sense of brokenness while their children’s lives are permanently complicated.
How attractive is the option of a new partner really? Once the temporary euphoria of infatuation and novelty wears off, any new partner is likely to be laden with their quota of flaws and a heavy load of emotional baggage; all the unresolved issues and unhealed pain of their past relationships. Hooking up with another wounded casualty is no solution to your own pain. The opposite happens: you compound the issues. Stepfamilies are a huge challenge.
Kids need their parents for life. Our job doesn’t end when they turn 21. Adult children need guidance and support from stable and wise parents as they navigate adulthood. And your future grandchildren will need a united Nana and Pa too.
When we give our heart to someone and share ourselves at an intimate level, we become immensely vulnerable. Such vulnerability must be cushioned by the security of lifelong commitment. We need to know our mate will be there for us always, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, and never bail out and abandon us when the going gets tough. As Dr Phil says, marriage ideally gives us “a soft place to fall.”
Finally it strikes me that we need an entire lifetime together to work out our psychological issues. It takes that long to break free from destructive patterns and to grow and mature and reach a resting place of real love, beyond all illusions.
These are not good reasons to suffer a miserable, loveless marriage or physical or emotional abuse from a violent, addicted or dysfunctional partner. However they are good reasons to try everything possible to redeem a bad marriage and transform it into a functional, healthy one.
Spare yourself the grief and sense of failure and dislocation of divorce and seize the courage to work through issues with your husband or wife. It takes two to be willing to change and grow and it is essential to find the right help through your own reading, counselling, support groups and marriage courses.
A successful, happy marriage is a worthwhile destination and I aim to reach it with the man I signed up with more than two decades ago. We are wounded but not broken travelling partners on the treacherous journey of marriage.
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